his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
