Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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