mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
