I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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