I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
