I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
