YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize