I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
