after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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