I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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