Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
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