my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
