i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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