He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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