Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
