You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
