this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
