woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
