But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I could make wine with my vomit
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize