You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize