Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
