So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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