just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
This couple is walking their pig around campus
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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