Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
