meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
