I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
tell me about the eggs
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