I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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