Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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