He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize