My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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