My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
