I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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