I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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