and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
