So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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