I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
