just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
