I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
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