He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I FOUND THE LEGS
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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