The maid of honor just puked.
...so i touched it.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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