mondays should just be called national damage control day
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize