apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
