you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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