Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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