You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
