Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
How does it feel to date your dad?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
