The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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