What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
