"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
