I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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