You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
