I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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