1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
you guys were way drunker than both of me
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
is wine microwaveable?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
