You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
