When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
