cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
